First of all, let me say straight up, I’m all in favour of fathers taking responsibility and paying child support for their children. Thats not the issue. My Question is: Where to draw the line? How much is too much?
My ex pays so much child support to his ex-wife and 4 children, that he doesnt have enough money to buy himself a cup of coffee. He struggles to contribute his share of our own living expenses, and often I am left to pay all the rent, food, bills etc, which is seriously impacting on my own financial stability. We live precariously, from pay to pay… Meanwhile, his ex enrols his kids in ballet, numerous sports, scuba diving, piano lessons, go-cart racing, holiday to England, now planning holiday to Bali… the list goes on and on. But he cant afford to take me on a date to the movies, or out for a cheap meal, or even away for the weekend… I always pay! But he’s happy to conrtibute to a holiday to Bali for his ex and 4 kids! Its just not fair!
Yes, I knew he had kids, and yes I expected he would pay child support… but this much? voluntarily? (there is no set amount by the courts, his ex-wife and kids live in another country).
When we first met, he was penniless, after his wife had taken him to the cleaners in divorce court, took the house, family business, car, everything. He was unemployed, and not paying child support. I supported him and helped him get back on his feet, and now he pays every spare cent to his ex. She just keeps demanding, and he gives in, out of guilt for leaving his kids I suppose.
But my generosity and support for him are being taken for granted, and Im not happy with the situation at all. I’ve tried to talk to him, tell him I’m broke and can’t afford to keep paying, and Im tired of never being able to go out together unless I pay for it. But he just gets defensive and angry at me, like Im trying to say his kids arent important. Of course they are! But is the ballet, scuba diving, motor car sports, trip to Bali really an essential requirement for them?
Add: And when we fly to their country (usually budged and saved by me) so he can see his kids, I have to stay in the hotel, whilst he takes his ex and kids out for dinner, because SHE wont allow me to be around them!
To The Mrs – my ex is not taking me on dates. lol. Im saying MY HUSBAND cannot afford to take me on a date, for dinner or even a cup of coffee!
to Kiss This… yes I know he has to pay child support. like i said earlier, thats not the issue. The issue is that his kids are TOTALLY SPOILT with expensive hobbies, toys, overseas holidays etc, much much more than the average child gets. And his greedy ex-wife just keeps on demanding more. And.. she’s already rich! She’s got the house, cars, business etc. Whilst my husband and I are totally struggling to keep up with it. All I want is for my husband to see reason.. and to not bankrupt us by his generosity to his kids.
on May 9th, 2010 at 11:30 pm
well, he has four kids. kids can be quite expensive. i’m sure she worked very hard in the marriage as well. raising four kids is not easy.
if you’re having issues now, think about what’s going to happen if you two get married and have kids. you may want to rethink this relationship.
there are two sides to every story. you only know what he has told you.
on May 10th, 2010 at 12:13 am
it is time to have a serious talk with him and draw the line for once and for all. You are not going to contribute in these expensive living expenses while at your own home you are struggling.
Your husband needs to make up his mind
on May 10th, 2010 at 1:02 am
first of all, there should be a court order for the child support. my husband pays but its court ordered. and i think its very manly of him to pay with out a one, but if he had one, he might not be paung so much.
on May 10th, 2010 at 1:37 am
if you love him it shouldn’t matter !!
It look like he still love his ex family and using you at the same time !!
I have seen many times when guys go back to the ex in situations like this !!
on May 10th, 2010 at 1:57 am
Cut your loses and bail. You should have as soon as you found out he was penniless. Nothing wrong with going dutch but I believe he is bilking you. Money isn’t everything but you’ve got to have some of it.
on May 10th, 2010 at 2:00 am
WOW WHAT A MAN, if you dont want him, i will have him, seriously kids grow up fast then it will be you and him, maybe you are skint but the kids will remember that in years to come, also you too, they will remember you were part of it, you should be so proud of your guy 4 kids they cost 100 sthousands if you love him support him, he loves the kids, so support them just for him when you are old and grey you can look back and be contented xxx
on May 10th, 2010 at 2:24 am
Sounds like a really good guy to me. Yes, he should be considering you more, but at the same time, you are an adult. Those are his children and they can not support themselves financially, it’s the parents job.
I get about $500 a month for my older son who is from a previous relationship…and that still doesn’t cover everything. T-Ball IS important for him, at the moment he is at his best friend’s birthday party…the money goes to help with bills and clothes and school stuff and feeding him 4-5 times a day. If I had to pay for day care or his insurance, those two things alone would cost me at least $800 a month. So if your husband is giving $1500 a month for 4 children, he’s doing a great job, but don’t think the mother isn’t also contributing just as much money or more for all of these adventures they are going on…..
on May 10th, 2010 at 2:48 am
He has guilt for leaving them and that is going to be a tough situation to crack. The best child support reducer is seeing the kids for the most number of nights. No matter the situation he should pay what he owes but not a penny more and do everything possible to keep the support at a minimum. He has to be honest and ethical about that, some people go way over board in minimizing support and that is not right. Child support calculations are not always fair so you have to do this or he will be broke and that is not fair to his new family.
on May 10th, 2010 at 3:08 am
Why is your ex taking you on dates while you are a married women? I’m calling BS.
on May 10th, 2010 at 3:13 am
This is not an issue with child support, it’s an issue with your HUSBAND. Maybe you know this but it wasn’t clear until halfway through your question. If he’s not legally mandated to pay that much child support then you absolutely need to draw the line. I’d say it’s ultimatum time. Yes kids are important, but so are you. Clearly there is a happy balance, he just needs help to find it.
on May 10th, 2010 at 3:58 am
Here’s what he needs. To learn his rights, join Dads House in Yahoo Groups
http://Dads-House.org/
Some useful links
http://icanhaz.com/ChildSupportModifying
http://icanhaz.com/ChildSupport-OutsideGuidelines
http://icanhaz.com/ChildSupportTrustFund
http://icanhaz.com/ChildSupport-Contempt
http://icanhaz.com/ChildSupport-EndsWhen
http://icanhaz.com/ChildSupport-Taxes
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